Porn within marriage: A wife’s perspective

I have always told my husband that if he ever struggles with pornography or masturbation during our marriage, that he can tell me.

Several months ago, God decided to test that statement.

My husband sat me down and told me he had something serious to confess to me. I already had an idea of what he was going to say, but was hoping it might be something else. He told me that a few months back he had looked at pornography. I think the natural instinct within me would have immediately lashed out at him, cried, withheld love, but instead the Holy Spirit took over. I forgave him.

Some people believe that you shouldn’t tell your spouse everything. In some regards, I think that is true. I don’t need to share unkind thoughts that I should keep to myself. I should watch what I say. But when it comes to our sin, I don’t think that is something we can keep from one another. It inadvertently puts a barrier between us.

My husband was telling me how it affected him before he confessed to me. It took him months to finally tell me. At first, he thought that I didn’t really need to know and it wouldn’t be helpful. But he kept thinking about it and praying about and realized that there were too many moments over that period of time where he found himself not being able to be fully honest with me. He also felt like he couldn’t tell his mentor what had happened in case it somehow got back to me. He knew that it was putting stress on our relationship.

He also shared with me that his mind had been preoccupied with thoughts about sex in general and it was making things more difficult for him.

At first, this piece of information hurt. I do everything I can to take care of my husband, and he always tells me that I couldn’t do anything else for him! In other words, I am a wonderful wife!

So why was he still struggling with thoughts about sex and why had he needed to look at porn? The realization: sex is much more than just a physical aspect of our lives. I of all people should have known this. There is a mental aspect that no husband or wife could ever satisfy. We are battling the sinful nature, and if we are not equipped we will always fail.

My husband has only looked at porn that one time since we have been married, but every now and then he asks me to pray for him because he realizes his thoughts are in places they shouldn’t be. It is my joy to pray for him about this. My desire is that he would never feel like he couldn’t share something like that with me.

I will admit, it is easier for me to hear things like this because of my past struggles with porn. I know what it is like. I know the way porn hooks your mind and doesn’t want to let go. It invades your thoughts until you give in. Because of knowing this, it is easy for me to pray for and forgive my husband.

For those who have never viewed porn, be thankful but don’t be judgmental. There is a God in heaven for that. Your job is to forgive and pray. Your husband may be depending on it.

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2 thoughts on “Porn within marriage: A wife’s perspective

  1. Interesting post. My wife has been completely devastated by my sharing with her my struggles. I thought it was the right thing to do. But, I don’t think she was ready for it. She is fragile. She feels like it’s all her fault. She thinks that whenever I tell someone about it that they must be looking at her like, “What’s wrong with her that he needs to look at other women?” She eats to pacify her hurt and then she cries because she is just a little bit overweight and that’s why I’ve had my problems with porn, lust, and love addictions. She’s in the cycle and needs recovery every bit as much as I do. We are working it out, but it’s not easy–not one bit. It’s a long, hard struggle. But, well worth it! We are learning so much about each other and it’s bringing us closer to each other than we have ever been before. God is always able to something “bad” into good!

    • Yes, I think everyone’s situation is very different, but like you said God can redeem it all! But although it is hard, it is even harder for something to be mended that is never brought to the surface in marriage. Thanks for the thoughts! 🙂

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