Mari R: My Battle With “Masturbation”

Submitted By: Mari R

Greetings and God bless! I feel honored (and a bit nervous) to have the privilege of fully sharing my story of my battle with “masturbation” for the first time. I added quotations around the word masturbation because God showed me that the struggle actually was a lot deeper than that.  My desire is that whosoever reads this will be greatly encouraged, and that through Jesus Christ we are more than conquerors.

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.  For this thing I besought the Lord three times, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”         – II Corinthians 12:7-10 (KJV)

Around the age of 10 years old, puberty came knocking at my door… almost knocking it down. I became what is affectionately known in the Hispanic community, “a woman.” I was quite aware of what it was because my mom gave me “the talk” beforehand, especially since I was, to her, showing signs that my period was coming. I guess ever since then, that’s when I began to really, and I mean really notice boys.

I grew up in a slightly dysfunctional, but an overall great family. I had a mom, dad, and one older brother who to this day, I am very close to. I praise God that I never underwent any kind of “exposure” to any sexual material at a young age, such as porn or even sexual abuse. My family and I were very open and could talk about everything – even sex. I knew what it was, and like many of you, I knew that it was meant for marriage. Why? I had no idea.

During my early adolescent years I became like almost every teenage girl; I loved fantasizing about the future such as having a “real” boyfriend, marriage, kids, etc. Though, it was during those times that those innocent fantasies became not so innocent. Sex started to be on my mind…constantly. I was curious, but that curiosity then later turned into actions. I remember the first time I masturbated (with my sexual fantasies) was at the age of 12 years old. I felt completely ashamed and dirty. I asked God for forgiveness immediately, but the guilt remained persistent. It wasn’t until I turned 14, that my addiction started. By that time, I still felt guilty, but slowly Satan persuaded me through “coming-of-age” teenage websites, that it’s “normal.” That all female humans need to explore their sexuality. That you can actually find techniques on how to do it. And so I did. I would read techniques on this “innocent” adolescent website. I eventually learned about my clitoris, vulva, g-spot, and etc. The stories on the site were graphic, and they only added to my sexual fantasies. By then, I was masturbating almost daily. I would make a quick prayer, and then get into my bed and masturbate. Ha! How horrible. The Holy Spirit definitely was not there with me.

At the age of 17, I REALLY dedicated my life to Christ. I prayed, fasted, read the Word, lead worship service, and helped with youth group. My addiction was pushed to the side, and I was on God’s team again. Until…it came back. The thoughts of sexual encounters, the unsatisfied urges. I feared that God would give me over to my lusts (Romans 1:24). But then something wonderful happened. I had met a wonderful guy, who so happens to be my husband of only 3 years so far. I thought that when I got married, that all those “urges” would disappear. That I can FINALLY be free from sin because I am “allowed” to have sex. I was wrong.

I had soon discovered that my amazing husband and I were not compatible sexually. My husband, although perfectly healthy in ALL ways, is less sexually driven than I am. Sure, I am content with it now, but in the beginning, it made me angry, sexually flustered, and bitter. I mean isn’t it always the man who wants more sex and who has to almost beg his wife for sex? Am I even normal? But the reality was, I was sick. Sick and completely depraved by my sin.

Then one night, after handling over my addiction to Christ, tears flooded my face. I told Him that I was sick of it. That my sin had distanced me far, far away from his presence. All the countless amount of times in the past of me pleading and almost fighting with God to remove my addiction, was always asked for the wrong reasons. I wanted it only for MY glory. I WANTED to feel good. I WANTED to be free. None of it was to allow God to show his grace and power in my life. Deep down, I had sincere intentions of honoring God with my body, but I was still selfish and sought my own desires. He then showed me that my addiction had an even bigger root. I actually struggled with discontentment. When my husband wasn’t “pleasing” me the way that I THOUGHT he should, I would “escape” into one of my fantasies which included a perfect life, with an even better sex partner. How pitiful.

Not only was I dishonoring my Heavenly Bridegroom, I was sinning against my earthly bridegroom. I was an adulterer in my mind (Matthew 5:8), lacked self-control, I was selfish, and a nagging wife. My husband has his flaws, but they are greatly outweighed by all of the wonderful qualities he possesses. One of the main ones being – patience. He knows my struggle and he sympathizes and prays for me. I seriously don’t deserve him.

So after that night, I began to renew my mind daily. Filling it with the Word of God and with prayer. The Lord lead me to read the 1st and 2nd book of Corinthians which happens to be loaded with verses about sexual sin. I allowed God to be my accountability partner. Every time I felt those desires coming again, I would let Him know, and his presence kept me safe. I truly learned what it is to be submissive, not only to my hubby, but most importantly, to Christ. I learned that my high sex drive is a PERFECT gift from Christ (James 1:17), but I needed to learn how to use it for His glory alone within my marriage.

So ladies, if any of you struggle in this area, there IS freedom. Like the verse quoted in the beginning of my story, I believe that this struggle is a “thorn on my side,” but by the Grace of God I am FREE. After that night, those thoughts about my alter-ego life supernaturally disappeared. That doesn’t mean that those thoughts don’t try to appear again. Satan is like a roaring lion, looking to whom to devour, and when he sees that you’re free indeed, he tries even harder to attack. I will not allow the enemy to make me think that I am not free if I happen to slip-up again, because rather than running away from God, I run TO Him.

I tried my best to keep this 9 year battle as short as possible, but I close with this:

“So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” I Corinthians 10:12-13

If you would like to share your own testimony feel free to let me know by sending me a comment below or emailing me at mtorik89@gmail.com and I will respect your anonymity.

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6 thoughts on “Mari R: My Battle With “Masturbation”

  1. Torik89, thank you for posting these testimonies. Since I read yours I’ve been thinking a lot about how you said that things changed for you when you started taking your sin seriously. I think I need to do that, I just think I’m afraid to because it’s hard to try for change. Especially because of how often I’ve failed in the past. It’s easier to give in and make excuses. But I know that following Christ isn’t “easy.” Quite the opposite. I’m called to die.

    Mari, thank you for your story. Really. Thank you.
    “All the countless amount of times in the past of me pleading and almost fighting with God to remove my addiction, was always asked for the wrong reasons. I wanted it only for MY glory. I WANTED to feel good. I WANTED to be free. None of it was to allow God to show his grace and power in my life. Deep down, I had sincere intentions of honoring God with my body, but I was still selfish and sought my own desires.”

    Also going to be thinking about that one. I am selfish. I lack self-control. I tend to impose upon grace instead of glorifying God by putting to death the desires of the flesh that dishonor Him. And your story also shows me, as Torik89 has mentioned, that this isn’t something I can do to tide me over until marriage and then it will go away.

    Please pray for me. More than anything pray that the Lord can get through the parts of me that are numb and callous. I want my sin to bother me. I want a heart of repentance, but I’ve dealt with this so long I’m used to it and am almost resigned to the idea that I can’t change. The old persuasive arguments work too easily. I need to learn to fight. I need to care to learn to fight.

    • You are absolutely in my prayers! It is a hard battle and as confident as I always sound, I am still so unsure of many things. But I do know that God is good and he wants you to be free in Him.

      I love your comments and I love your heart Rosalind! I am just glad that God has used this blog in a positive way. Again, you are in my prayers!

    • “… I want a heart of repentance, but I’ve dealt with this so long I’m used to it and am almost resigned to the idea that I can’t change. The old persuasive arguments work too easily. I need to learn to fight. I need to care to learn to fight.”

      Ace, I am there with you. Being addicted to ANYTHING for so long is hard. We become desensitized to it! We know that it SHOULD bother us, but we’ve become so used to it that it doesn’t even bother us any longer. I think that you even acknowledging that it is dishonoring to God is a great step and it shows the work of the Holy Spirit within you, and He will continue to work in you. Stay strong in prayer and renew your mind daily with His word. I will keep you in my prayers!

      “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”- Philippians 1:6

    • Ace,

      I am right here with you. I was there; learning to even CARE to fight back. I was so weary and drenched in sin, that I became desensitized to it. I was just too weak to even pray about it anymore. I will pray strongly for you. You’re not alone. Remember that God is an everlasting God. He doesn’t grow weary to fight for us.

      Stay encouraged in prayer and renew your mind daily with His word. It was truly the only way that I got convicted. My heart goes out to you. God bless!

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