I had learned from my past mistakes and brought my anger issues to the light. Of course, my husband knew all about my anger. He was the recipient of it half of the time. But I needed to turn to some trusted friends.
It’s amazing how God places people in our lives. I often have the “woe is me” mentality that no one likes me and I don’t have any friends. What a lie from the enemy. The same friend who I turned to with my struggles with pornography is the same friend I turned to with my anger. She, along with another wonderfully open mother, encouraged me and helped me push past the feelings of guilt that were weighing me down. “Just give him formula! You will both be happier” said the mother who breastfed all three of her children and gave birth to each of them at home. “It took me years to finally connect with my first born, because of my anger,” said another. My stubborn pride was revealed. I was trying to live up to an impossible standard that I created in my own mind. My son didn’t need me to be any of the things I thought were so important about being a mom. He needed me to love and pursue Jesus. He needed me to be filled with God’s word and the Holy Spirit on a daily basis. He needed me to fight against my sinful nature.
So that’s what I began to do. And, as usual, the enemy did not like it. But this time, I was past the infancy stage of Christianity and I had something lethal to fight back with. I knew the only thing that would keep me from sinning in my anger was the Word of God. The blessing of being broken is that the worst parts of you are revealed. The blessing of being broken is that your sin can no longer hide in your spiritual blind spots. The blessing of bring broken is that our pride is removed and can no longer prevent us from receiving the promises God has spoken over our lives. I had been stripped of my pride. I could not google search the answer. Trust me, I had already tried.
I didn’t just need to read the Bible though, I needed to store it in my heart. If I wanted my responses to be rooted in Christ rather than in my sinful, reactionary anger, I needed to shift my thoughts from anger and negativity to Jesus. It wasn’t easy, but I have come farther than I could have dreamed six months ago. My son and I have a wonderful relationship. We pray together about our anger, because guess who has some anger issues just like his momma? 🙂 I am not perfect and won’t be until I see my Savior face to face (my sin and imperfections in this life make me long for that day more and more). But I am no longer bound by the sin that would have kept me in darkness. And although I may still struggle with sinning in my anger, I do not struggle with the guilt and shame. My shame has been removed and I am trusting for God’s grace in my son’s life as well as my own.
“I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.” – Psalm 119:11
“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.” – Galatians 5:24-25