Women do other things too…

It has been a long time. Two years, right?

I am so thankful for the blessing this blog has been to those of you reading and pray that it will continue to bless others. The things that I wrote are still just as true today as they were when written. But here’s the thing. My life is extremely different now that I have been married for several years, and not just sexually! So while I still have some to say on the topic of sex and masturbation, it’s not quite enough material to sustain this blog as is.

That being said, will you go on this journey with me to explore the things that women (at least this woman) do other than masturbate? For those of you who have actually read my blog posts, don’t worry. That’s not something I still indulge in. My husband is far too good at what he does! 😉

This blog may undergo a merge, a title change, or stay the same other than the content being a little more varied. We’ll play it by ear, but I’m glad to say that after a very intensive two years of God rooting out some sin in my life, I’m back! And if you want to know what that sin could be, you’ll just have to keep reading won’t you?

What’s in a testimony?

What is your testimony?

As a Christian, you may have had several people ask you this. But what does it really mean to share your testimony?

I could tell you something along these lines, “Well, I don’t have much of a testimony. I grew up in church and never got into too much trouble. I did struggle with porn and masturbation throughout the majority of my childhood, but God has set me free from that.”

I would have a pretty boring testimony, and there is something about it that bothers me.

It bothers me because there are others who have gone through much more in their lives; involved in drugs, alcohol, sex, and just living a life of destruction. Their testimony seems a whole lot more interesting. They have had all kinds of horrible things happen and look at how far they have come.

In comparison, my own testimony is bland and uninteresting. In the past I have almost been embarrassed to share with anyone how pleasant my life had been thus far.

This mindset is wrong. The only reason I or anyone else might be thinking that our testimony isn’t worthy is because we are focused on the wrong person. Instead of focusing on Jesus and sharing what He has done, we are focusing on ourselves. We want to impress people with how messed up our lives used to be and if we don’t have a terrible story to tell we are embarrassed or even embellish our own stories to make them more interesting.

What is the true purpose of a testimony? To bear witness to something. Something greater than all of our own stories and messy lives. To bear witness to the beauty of a God who would send his Son to live among us and die for us. A savior who would take on our sin, conquer death, and rise again to be with us for eternity.

The Bible makes it clear to me what I should focus on concerning my own testimony.

“Anyone who believes in the Son of God has this testimony in his heart. Anyone who does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because he has not believed the testimony God has given about his Son.  And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.” 1 John 5:10-11

Everyone may have a different story, but we all have the same testimony to share. None of us have a boring or unimportant testimony. If Jesus has touched our lives, what we have to share is just as important as the rest.

I shouldn’t try to make my past worse than it was and neither should someone else dumb theirs down. If we are giving Jesus all the glory and pointing to Him as the one who saved us from it all, each of us will have something to offer.

Porn within marriage: A wife’s perspective

I have always told my husband that if he ever struggles with pornography or masturbation during our marriage, that he can tell me.

Several months ago, God decided to test that statement.

My husband sat me down and told me he had something serious to confess to me. I already had an idea of what he was going to say, but was hoping it might be something else. He told me that a few months back he had looked at pornography. I think the natural instinct within me would have immediately lashed out at him, cried, withheld love, but instead the Holy Spirit took over. I forgave him.

Some people believe that you shouldn’t tell your spouse everything. In some regards, I think that is true. I don’t need to share unkind thoughts that I should keep to myself. I should watch what I say. But when it comes to our sin, I don’t think that is something we can keep from one another. It inadvertently puts a barrier between us.

My husband was telling me how it affected him before he confessed to me. It took him months to finally tell me. At first, he thought that I didn’t really need to know and it wouldn’t be helpful. But he kept thinking about it and praying about and realized that there were too many moments over that period of time where he found himself not being able to be fully honest with me. He also felt like he couldn’t tell his mentor what had happened in case it somehow got back to me. He knew that it was putting stress on our relationship.

He also shared with me that his mind had been preoccupied with thoughts about sex in general and it was making things more difficult for him.

At first, this piece of information hurt. I do everything I can to take care of my husband, and he always tells me that I couldn’t do anything else for him! In other words, I am a wonderful wife!

So why was he still struggling with thoughts about sex and why had he needed to look at porn? The realization: sex is much more than just a physical aspect of our lives. I of all people should have known this. There is a mental aspect that no husband or wife could ever satisfy. We are battling the sinful nature, and if we are not equipped we will always fail.

My husband has only looked at porn that one time since we have been married, but every now and then he asks me to pray for him because he realizes his thoughts are in places they shouldn’t be. It is my joy to pray for him about this. My desire is that he would never feel like he couldn’t share something like that with me.

I will admit, it is easier for me to hear things like this because of my past struggles with porn. I know what it is like. I know the way porn hooks your mind and doesn’t want to let go. It invades your thoughts until you give in. Because of knowing this, it is easy for me to pray for and forgive my husband.

For those who have never viewed porn, be thankful but don’t be judgmental. There is a God in heaven for that. Your job is to forgive and pray. Your husband may be depending on it.

Talk to kids about porn

I was 10 years old. My dad wasn’t home from work yet and I was on the family computer by the door. Curiosity isn’t always such a good thing. I typed in the word sex. I scrolled through some pictures and clicked on one. My dad came home and saw what was on the screen. I don’t remember anything else about that moment in my life.

It is kind of crazy that my memories of being caught viewing pornography at such a young age don’t involve any kind of punishment or conversations with my parents. I don’t think it was ever brought up again until I decided to tell my mom what I was going through in college.

I don’t have kids yet, but if you are a parent that is reading this please just understand that your words and actions could make such a difference in your children’s lives.

Things could have been different as I was growing up if my parents had talked to me about sex at a very early age. It isn’t just Christians that are guilty of this. I have talked to people at work who are scared that their kids are going to start asking them questions about where babies come from. Why would you be scared? What a great opportunity!

As children, we learn about sex. Whether it is from parents or friends, classmates, or the internet, sex is going to be something we know about. If that is the case, wouldn’t it be best coming from the people that are most involved in our lives?

It would have benefited me greatly to hear a biblical view on what sex is before I turned 10 years old. In fact, it would have benefited me to know that there was such a thing as pornography and if I ever happened to stumble across it (which is statistically likely) I could talk to my parents without fear. The problem was that I had fear and shame and embarrassment and it didn’t seem like they really wanted to hear about it. If instead of ignoring what had obviously occurred, my parents had sat down with me and discussed what I had just seen and how I felt about it and what my thoughts were, things might have turned out differently. But they didn’t.

Let me get one thing straight. I love my parents and I know they love me. They didn’t ruin my life because of this, but it sure didn’t make it any easier for me. I thought I was alone for the better half of my childhood and couldn’t talk to anyone about it, not even my parents!

When I have children, I plan to answer their questions and not make them feel weird for asking them. I plan to let them know that there is a world out there that talks about sex, and that we are parents that talk about sex. I want them to know what the Bible says about it, that it’s a good thing. And that one day they might have to make a decision on what they are going to do with what the world has to offer them.

Some people believe that children are too innocent to have such discussions and we should wait until they are older or just let them figure it out on their own. That is terrible advice.

Sex should no longer be a hush hush kind of topic. Why do you think there are so many secrets and things hidden in the dark in Christian circles, typically having to do with sexual immorality?

Not many of my generation’s parents were willing to make this a topic that is no longer taboo. I am praying that our future generation won’t experience the same thing.

This is Sydney’s story!

Simply Sex(uality)

I was recently published in an online magazine for 17-22 year old single women (On My Own Now). Check it out! Thoughts? Feelings? Reactions?

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Time to Admit it: Women Like Porn Too by Sydney Clark (pg. 10)

Some girls when they are craving emotional intimacy from males go straight to guys. They jump from one boyfriend to the next and fill that void in their life with make-out sessions and erotic sexual behaviors. I wasn’t one of those girls. I found a much more subtle and unnoticeable (or so I thought) way of filling this void in my life—or more precisely, it found me…READ MORE

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Why I Told My Boyfriend

In my last entry, I shared the story of how my husband ended up finding out about my past addiction to pornography and struggles with masturbation.

I really think that for anyone who is currently single or dating there are a lot of important things to glean from that particular story.

First of all, I really don’t believe it is something that you should keep to yourself until after you are married. Sharing it will even help you discern whether or not you can live your life with that person.

If your boyfriend’s reaction to you sharing your past is negative in any way, there is something wrong. Either you aren’t as close as you thought, or he doesn’t love you the way Jesus does.

The idea that you should keep something this important from the man that could one day be your husband is somewhat deceptive. If, for some reason, he were to take issue with you having been addicted to porn or struggling with masturbation, it really isn’t fair to surprise him with this information after he has committed to you. Should he get over it and love you anyways? Absolutely! But starting a marriage based on deception is never a good idea.

Being able to communicate your fears, struggles, tendencies, and issues when it comes to sex is not always such a bad thing before marriage. A lot of churches tend to make you believe that sex is a topic that should never be discussed before marriage. It’s true, it can be harmful, but it can also be very beneficial for the first year of your marriage. There were things that I knew I wouldn’t want to do right away when I got married because of what I was exposed to in pornography. Instead of my husband being confused on our honeymoon and wondering why I wasn’t enjoying something or why I suddenly got upset, we were able to discuss it beforehand and have an understanding of what we were comfortable with.

Communication in general makes for a much better sex life, but communication before you even get married can make for a great sex life starting on day one!

Of course, you will have to use discernment and only share what is necessary for both of you to hear at this stage in the relationship. But I really do believe that not sharing it at all could be a recipe for disaster.

Pornography: The truth

“If Anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.” – James 4:17 

In 2010, I went, with several of my friends, to a presentation that was given on the local college campus about sex trafficking.

During this event, they showed us a documentary with statistics and stories about women in the pornographic industry that had been trafficked. For instance, 1 out of 5 pornographic images are of a minor. They also presented the idea that although not all pornography involves trafficked women, the likelihood that someone addicted to pornography has viewed a trafficked woman and therefore supported their bondage was very high.

At that moment, this realization crushed me and at the same time delivered me.

It crushed me because I realized that, although unknowingly, I had been fueling the demand for pornography and women being abused. How could I live with myself? How could I do this to another living being?

I fell further into my internal misery when all of my girl friends with me began to discuss how horrible it was. “I just don’t even see how a girl could ever look at pornography. It is so disgusting!” That was one comment that would have prevented me from ever telling anyone what I had done.

And then the Lord made it impossible for me to continue to ignore his commands.

One of the friends with us just happened to be “the one” that God had told me I needed to talk to. As soon as the girls shared their disgust with women who could succumb to the world this way, she spoke up. “Oh, well I have looked at it.” She explained that she didn’t look at it anymore, but while everyone else was awkwardly trying to cover up their previous comments, I was filled with fear, joy, and anticipation all at once.

I could no longer ignore what God was telling me to do. It could not get any clearer that she was the one I needed to talk to.

That day is special to me for two reasons:

  1. I was finally listening to my Savior and drawing up the battle plans to carry out his orders.
  2. It was the day that I lost my desire to view pornography. I have not looked at it since.

“You may choose to look the other way but you can never again say you did not know.” – William Wilberforce