Testimonies

This page is meant for people to share their stories. It could be a first step to simply write out what you have been through. Here, there is no judgement, and everything will be anonymous. No one will know who you are and hopefully someone might be blessed by your willingness to be real and share your life in a small way, shedding light on some of the sin that likes to remain hidden. Email me your testimony at mtorik89@gmail.com and I will respect your anonymity.

Submitted By: Stephanie

I didn’t know what was going on with my body or what I was feeling. I didn’t know what to call it. I didn’t know if it was wrong or if it was normal. At first, all I knew was that it felt good. I wasn’t even a teenager yet.

It was years before I even heard the word “masturbation” and some years more before I put it together that that was what was going on. Up until that realization there had been a kind of indescribable confusion and regret that existed, but after a label was applied to my actions the shame and humiliation that followed was immense and drove me into further secrecy. For years I tried to fight it off, to end it, but it seemed there were triggers all around me sending me back to that act I despised naming.
I truly believed I was the only one I knew who struggled with it and I dare not test that hypothesis by asking questions; Lord knows I sure didn’t hear the word “masturbation” in church. So I kept it to myself, at least I tried. Something in me felt I had to tell someone and the scriptures that talked about confessing haunted me. So I decided to admit to some very close friends that I struggled with “lust.” That’s what I called it because lust, well everyone struggles with that and it was a broad enough label that I felt safe behind it; God could have His way and I could have mine. Although it wasn’t enough, not because it wasn’t enough for Him, but because it wasn’t enough for me in my own heart.
One night a younger girl on a youth leadership team pulled all the female leaders into a private meeting where she boldly confessed to us all her struggle with pornography; she just had to get it out in the open. Little did she know what that would start. Her confession gave the rest of us courage to open up and open up we did. Turns out every single one of my friends, who served in leadership positions with me, struggled with masturbation at some point in their life. We all had thought we were alone all that time.
I was in high school when that little saving grace occurred. Confessing to my friends gave me strength to stand up to something I hated; it made a lot of the shame go away and I found myself enriched with a boldness to lay my struggle out there for other girls so that at least they wouldn’t feel so alone like I did for all those years. But there was still some shame hanging on, shame that I wouldn’t be free from for another 4 years when I finally gained the courage to tell my mom.
See, when God made me He made me an open book; I naturally share what I go through and I don’t have a lot of shame about it- it’s how I’ve always been. But what masturbation did was it robbed me of that. With masturbation being in my life suddenly I had something to hide, suddenly I had shame. So, for me, confessing was what was necessary to bring me back to me. I don’t think that masturbation was the great sin that needed forgiveness. I think the bigger “sin” was me not being who I was created to be and allowing something to muddle core parts of my being. I think that broke my God’s heart more than the act itself; having to watch me be robbed of the true nature He Himself had put within me. I have come to believe that God cares far more about us than He does about what we do. Whether than be the great and holy things we can do for Him or the hurtful and shameful things we can do despite Him, He cares for us. He cares about us.

Submitted By: Mari R

Greetings and God bless! I feel honored (and a bit nervous) to have the privilege of fully sharing my story of my battle with “masturbation” for the first time. I added quotations around the word masturbation because God showed me that the struggle actually was a lot deeper than that.  My desire is that whosoever reads this will be greatly encouraged, and that through Jesus Christ we are more than conquerors.

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.  For this thing I besought the Lord three times, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”         – II Corinthians 12:7-10 (KJV)

Around the age of 10 years old, puberty came knocking at my door… almost knocking it down. I became what is affectionately known in the Hispanic community, “a woman.” I was quite aware of what it was because my mom gave me “the talk” beforehand, especially since I was, to her, showing signs that my period was coming. I guess ever since then, that’s when I began to really, and I mean really notice boys.

I grew up in a slightly dysfunctional, but an overall great family. I had a mom, dad, and one older brother who to this day, I am very close to. I praise God that I never underwent any kind of “exposure” to any sexual material at a young age, such as porn or even sexual abuse. My family and I were very open and could talk about everything – even sex. I knew what it was, and like many of you, I knew that it was meant for marriage. Why? I had no idea.

During my early adolescent years I became like almost every teenage girl; I loved fantasizing about the future such as having a “real” boyfriend, marriage, kids, etc. Though, it was during those times that those innocent fantasies became not so innocent. Sex started to be on my mind…constantly. I was curious, but that curiosity then later turned into actions. I remember the first time I masturbated (with my sexual fantasies) was at the age of 12 years old. I felt completely ashamed and dirty. I asked God for forgiveness immediately, but the guilt remained persistent. It wasn’t until I turned 14, that my addiction started. By that time, I still felt guilty, but slowly Satan persuaded me through “coming-of-age” teenage websites, that it’s “normal.” That all female humans need to explore their sexuality. That you can actually find techniques on how to do it. And so I did. I would read techniques on this “innocent” adolescent website. I eventually learned about my clitoris, vulva, g-spot, and etc. The stories on the site were graphic, and they only added to my sexual fantasies. By then, I was masturbating almost daily. I would make a quick prayer, and then get into my bed and masturbate. Ha! How horrible. The Holy Spirit definitely was not there with me.

At the age of 17, I REALLY dedicated my life to Christ. I prayed, fasted, read the Word, lead worship service, and helped with youth group. My addiction was pushed to the side, and I was on God’s team again. Until…it came back. The thoughts of sexual encounters, the unsatisfied urges. I feared that God would give me over to my lusts (Romans 1:24). But then something wonderful happened. I had met a wonderful guy, who so happens to be my husband of only 3 years so far. I thought that when I got married, that all those “urges” would disappear. That I can FINALLY be free from sin because I am “allowed” to have sex. I was wrong.

I had soon discovered that my amazing husband and I were not compatible sexually. My husband, although perfectly healthy in ALL ways, is less sexually driven than I am. Sure, I am content with it now, but in the beginning, it made me angry, sexually flustered, and bitter. I mean isn’t it always the man who wants more sex and who has to almost beg his wife for sex? Am I even normal? But the reality was, I was sick. Sick and completely depraved by my sin.

Then one night, after handling over my addiction to Christ, tears flooded my face. I told Him that I was sick of it. That my sin had distanced me far, far away from his presence. All the countless amount of times in the past of me pleading and almost fighting with God to remove my addiction, was always asked for the wrong reasons. I wanted it only for MY glory. I WANTED to feel good. I WANTED to be free. None of it was to allow God to show his grace and power in my life. Deep down, I had sincere intentions of honoring God with my body, but I was still selfish and sought my own desires. He then showed me that my addiction had an even bigger root. I actually struggled with discontentment. When my husband wasn’t “pleasing” me the way that I THOUGHT he should, I would “escape” into one of my fantasies which included a perfect life, with an even better sex partner. How pitiful.

Not only was I dishonoring my Heavenly Bridegroom, I was sinning against my earthly bridegroom. I was an adulterer in my mind (Matthew 5:8), lacked self-control, I was selfish, and a nagging wife. My husband has his flaws, but they are greatly outweighed by all of the wonderful qualities he possesses. One of the main ones being – patience. He knows my struggle and he sympathizes and prays for me. I seriously don’t deserve him.

So after that night, I began to renew my mind daily. Filling it with the Word of God and with prayer. The Lord lead me to read the 1st and 2nd book of Corinthians which happens to be loaded with verses about sexual sin. I allowed God to be my accountability partner. Every time I felt those desires coming again, I would let Him know, and his presence kept me safe. I truly learned what it is to be submissive, not only to my hubby, but most importantly, to Christ. I learned that my high sex drive is a PERFECT gift from Christ (James 1:17), but I needed to learn how to use it for His glory alone within my marriage.

So ladies, if any of you struggle in this area, there IS freedom. Like the verse quoted in the beginning of my story, I believe that this struggle is a “thorn on my side,” but by the Grace of God I am FREE. After that night, those thoughts about my alter-ego life supernaturally disappeared. That doesn’t mean that those thoughts don’t try to appear again. Satan is like a roaring lion, looking to whom to devour, and when he sees that you’re free indeed, he tries even harder to attack. I will not allow the enemy to make me think that I am not free if I happen to slip-up again, because rather than running away from God, I run TO Him.

I tried my best to keep this 9 year battle as short as possible, but I close with this:

“So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” I Corinthians 10:12-13

Submitted by: ToriK

I posted recently inviting people to share their testimony on this blog. I have a couple of people working on sending me theirs, but until then I thought I would share my full testimony. I have given bits and pieces of it in different blog posts, but never have I written it out fully.

I grew up in a somewhat typical Christian home. We went to church ever since I can remember, although my Dad stopped going when a scandal of sorts occurred with the pastor there stealing money from the church. My mom continued to take us kids to church though and I enjoyed going. I got baptized when I was 6 or 7 (to be honest all of my childhood memories blend together and to remember an exact age is a miracle). I would say that I loved Jesus, but I don’t think I really knew what it meant to follow him.

My older brothers stopped going to church with us when they reached high school. I am not really sure why they even had an option, but it wouldn’t surprise me to know that they used the argument that if my Dad never went, they shouldn’t have to go either. It never crossed my mind that I didn’t want to go to church. I just felt like I should.

When I was around ten or so, I discovered masturbation. I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew that it felt really good and I knew exactly where it was that made me feel that way. I wish it had ended there, but curiosity got the best of me and living in a house of boys you hear some things that you might not otherwise. Not only that, but I first learned about sex from a friend of mine. I didn’t know exactly what she meant by her definition, but it made me curious and the internet was very accessible for me.

I searched the term sex and saw pictures that repulsed me and at the same time drew me to them and I wanted to see more. My Dad walked in and I remember absolutely nothing else about what happened. There was no conversation afterwards, just a deep sense of shame and feeling like I had done something very wrong. I was a sick, twisted little girl in my mind.

Once you view porn, it is hard not to go further. It started out with pictures for me and then progressed into inappropriate movie scenes, which made me realize that I could look up videos of this stuff online as well. There were years that I didn’t look at porn as much, but there were also years that I looked at it a lot, especially in my later high school/early college years.

Why is all of this such a huge part of my testimony? Because I truly believe porn combined with masturbation is what stunted my growth as a believer. I was sinning and unable to break free from it. And I wasn’t turning to the Lord when I messed up, I ran from Him and covered my head in shame for weeks every time I looked at porn and/or masturbated. Masturbation wasn’t something that was done in innocence for me anymore. It was always accompanied by lustful fantasies, raunchy scenes in books, or video pornography. So whether or not I actually viewed porn, I was left feeling empty and defeated and far from God.

My Senior year of high school was when things began to turn around for me. You might be asking yourself, “Isn’t that when you struggled the most?”  Yes, it is. But it is also the time when I started to take my sin more seriously. And Satan wasn’t about to make it that easy for me.

I will share the rest of my testimony in my next post. For now I want to leave you with this:

When your struggle with sin is the hardest it has ever been, remember this: God is there with you and He will never forsake you. The fact that you are not resigned to your sin and wish to defeat it is a big deal and something God can work with. You are free in Christ. Don’t let sin tell you otherwise!

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” – John 8:36

Submitted By: ToriK

Picking up where I left off: I began to take my sin more seriously starting in my Senior year of high school and that is also when porn/masturbation really started to take a toll on my life.

In a stretch of about three years, I became truly addicted to pornography. I may not have viewed it as often as other porn addicts do, but I had no self-control and would watch it in the family living areas on my newly acquired laptop even when my family was home. I began to despise myself and feel depressed and cried out to God like I had never done before. I wanted it to end. I couldn’t keep living life in this way.

He told me what to do: “Tell someone.” I knew that is what he was asking of me, that it was where the end of my misery would have to begin. But in so many ways that sounded like the worst idea ever! If I told someone, they would look at me differently; with disgust, shock, horror, and disdain. They might even tell other people I knew and then everyone would know me for what I was. Girls just didn’t masturbate and girls certainly didn’t watch porn. No one would understand this.

But I knew I didn’t just have to tell anyone, I had to tell a certain friend. I didn’t. I told my mom. It was the worst decision I could have made because at the two years that were the hardest, I added another year of misery to my life. My mom promptly tried to forget I ever told her and was embarrassed and the subject was not brought up again until after I got married and I was confident in who I was.

A year later, I was at an event about sex trafficking at our town’s college. They talked about how women were often trafficked and used for porn films and the people viewing them couldn’t distinguish when a woman had been trafficked. I wanted to throw up.

Some of my girlfriends started to talk about how they can’t imagine anyone viewing porn let alone any women. “I mean how could women view pornography? It’s so disgusting!” My friend that I knew I should tell was there and piped in saying that she used to look at it. What? I wasn’t alone.

I finally worked up the courage to talk to her and things began to change from then on. I obeyed Christ, and immediately found peace and the freedom that I always had. I no longer allowed my desires to control me, but prayed and studied God’s Word even more. I began to take Jesus more seriously. I still struggled with masturbation until the day I got married and it could still be a very real struggle for me if my husband ever dies or we have a rough patch in our marriage. I know that I am not immune to my body’s physical desires. But the lust is no longer there. I haven’t looked at porn intentionally since the day I told my friend and confessed my sin to another person.

Since then, I would say that I am a completely different person than I was during those three years (and I wasn’t even very bad in the outward sense). My desires are more like Christ’s desires and He has transformed what I really want from life to be more Holy. I will always have sins and issues that I need to work on, but sin is no longer my master. Jesus Christ is. Once I was able to wrap my head around what Christ truly did on the cross, I understood that every sin I had done and every sin I would commit was washed away by His blood.

And now I can honestly say that I am excited for the day that I get to be in my Savior’s presence in eternity. He is just so much better than all the pleasures that this world has to offer. Now, my greatest desire is to please God.

And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever. – 1 John 2:17

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